Creative Calm Connected: 20 year reunion

A couple of weeks ago I went to my 20 year school reunion. I cannot believe that it is 20 years already since I finished year 12! I wasn’t sure that I would even go; I don’t keep in touch with anyone that I went to high school with, apart from a couple of people on Facebook. I was inspired by my best friend from primary school though, she travelled interstate from where she lives now to go to her reunion a few weeks ago, and while she was in town, we caught up. I really enjoyed seeing her again and finding out what has been going on in her life. Even though we haven’t seen each other for many years, it was lovely to sit and chat with her. I thought she was really brave for going to hers and that I should also give it a go.

I enjoyed my school life. I had a very close knit group of friends, went to a good school, and generally was pretty happy. I suppose though, like most teenage girls, there was a part of me that was always insecure. And I didn’t even realise it at the time, not until a long time later, when suddenly that feeling lifted. Sometime in my late twenties or early thirties I suppose, I had grown into someone confident, who liked who I was and didn’t need the approval of others to feel good about myself.

So I was quite surprised when, after I had made the decision to go to the reunion, lots of these insecurities came flooding back. What if no one remembered me? What if people didn’t want to talk to me? I was interested when talking to my oldest dearest friend the week before, she mentioned that when her and her sisters get together these days (doesn’t happen often, they are spread across the four corners of the globe), that they seem to revert back to the roles they had when they were younger. They have all grown and changed so much over the years, but something about getting back together again brings out the younger versions of themselves. Which is sometimes good and sometimes not something my friend loves.

I guess the same sort of thing was happening to me in the lead up to the reunion. I wasn’t part of the cool group at school. I had a small circle of friends who I thought I would be friends with for life. I was wrong! For some reason, while we were at uni, we lost touch. I think it had a lot to do with a boyfriend I had at the time who they didn’t like, nor did he like them. I cannot remember the reason, or if something happened, but we drifted and got on with our lives. I have often thought of them over the years, wondering what they did with their lives, but didn’t go much further. I did contact one of my closest friends from high school via Facebook and we have become friends again that way. But I never got the same feeling of wanting to be in touch with the others, so never did.

I don’t know what I expected of the night, but I did have a good time. I went on my own (which I thought was very brave!), and was looking forward to catching up with a couple of people in particular. One didn’t go, she was sick. There was another close friend from school who I did get to chat to and it was great to reconnect. She is someone I might even follow up with and make more of an effort to keep in touch with in future. She has had some pretty big struggles with her kids health over the years, and was warm and engaging to chat to.

I made a couple of new friends that night. I spent some time chatting with the boys that we had hung out with at school. One of the boys lives in the next suburb over from me, and we discovered our kids go to the same school. I met his wife, who is lovely and had some good talks to her.

I found refuge in a particular friend, who has two kids with the same names as mine. He made me feel like he was interested in knowing about my life and his girlfriend was lots of fun to hang out with. We had a few (too many!) drinks together and I enjoyed catching up with them.

There were some aspects of the night that I wasn’t very happy with. I will not say much here, but there were a couple of people who definitely bought out those insecurities in me again. I was disappointed when a couple of the girls I was close to at school ignored my attempts at starting a conversation. The younger me was crying inside, feeling so rejected and hurt. What has happened that they are so bitter about the past that one in particular couldn’t even bring herself to say hello to me, despite me smiling and saying hi to her three times? The other did talk to me, for two minutes at the end of the night. But the energy coming from her was cold, like she was only doing it because she felt she had to, not because she wanted to.

I chatted with others throughout the night, people who had flown in from other countries, just for our get together, and others who live just down the road. I was amazed that some of us still live so close together but never randomly run into each other at the shops!

We have all grown and changed in the twenty years since we last spent a lot of time together. There are elements of each of us though that are still the same. I found the same people easy to talk to as I did way back then. They have a warmth about them, a positive energy that attracts me and makes me feel at ease. There were others who were very sure of themselves as younger people, who are still very sure of themselves now! In a way I am jealous that they found that self-confidence at such a young age and life hasn’t taken it from them. It took me far longer to feel like that. I noticed some people going out of their way to tell me how well they were doing financially or at work. Others were much more humble despite great successes. I was particularly saddened to chat to one friend who, when asked what she does with her life now, answered “I’m just a Mum”. I wanted to spend more time with her, wanted to lift her up, give her some belief in herself that she is amazing and there is no “just” about it. (If you are reading this, and you will know who you are, I promise you it will get easier. It will get better and you will find something that you are searching for that is just for you. It may take a while until the littlest one is bigger, but you will. I promise! We will talk more I’m sure).

I was happy to find that everyone that I spoke to had found someone special to share their life with. We all stressed so much as teenagers that we wouldn’t find “the one” to love us, but it looks like we needn’t have worried. If I could go back and tell my teenage self one thing from the reunion night, it would be “Don’t worry so much, it will all work out ok”.

So overall, I was glad that I went. I was not glad however when I woke up on Sunday morning feeling a little bit dusty! I’m sure it was more the lack of sleep rather than the extra glasses of wine ;) I wonder how long it will take me to get over – both physically and mentally?

See even though I am now in such a great space in my life, I am still, partly, that young girl just wanting to be loved. And I know that I am, by the people that matter. I thought I had grown enough within myself to not care about what others think of me or how they treat me, but it seems I still have some work to do on that front. I know in my head that I don’t have space in my life for negativity, and am working hard to only fill my space with love, warmth and connection. I wonder if I will go to the next one in ten years and how I will feel after that one?